Amy M. Young

Achieve, Define, Gift and Core

Achieve: What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today

The thing I most want to achieve next year is to get my life to the point where I can write mostly full time and go to school to learn to what I want to learn. I know it's going to be scary, hard, frightening, but once I get into it, get some of it done so to say, I'll be elated and more productive. Right now, I'm working on getting myself to break things down into smaller and smaller bits, to make myself more productive and learn to deal with things a bit better than being in the IT industry taught me (and let me tell you, that can teach you some really messed ways to deal with things - there is a reason most call centres/helpdesks drink like fish).

Definite thoughts that have to be changed are expecting myself to fail right out of the gate. I may not always get it right, but I have to know that I will get it right eventually - even if I have to ask for help. Asking for help is something else that needs to change within me. I've always been self-sufficient, and sometimes that has been a big downfall. Everyone needs help sometimes.

Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

This year has been the year of people passing away. From friends, family to celebrities that I admired, a lot of people left this sphere of living in the last 12 months. This definitely hit home for me - our time here is limited. We don't know if we're going to walk out tomorrow and be hit by a bus. Life is too short to worry what other people think of you (to an extent), and is better served by making yourself happy, thereby making others around you naturally happy. If you're trying to please someone else, you're not going to be happy at heart, and that's where happy comes from - when your heart and soul sing the same song.

Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

The most memorable gift that I was given this year was an emotional one - the one where, thanks in large part to @geeky_lass I learned that I had to let go of things, that they were keeping their power over me because I was letting them. With her and a few other friends (who have asked to remain in the background), I've slowly given myself the gift of being me. Of not caring what so and so said about me three years ago because well, that's the past and really, I'm not that scared little rabbit of a person anymore. Through reinforcement, that is something I will carry on into the new year.

re Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

Right now, I'm a work in progress, that's my at my core. I'm moving from one state of being into another, from just being into truly living. A part of that is my website being redone, which is why this blog is currently being hosted by DreamWidth (an awesome community of people) until the new one launches. Don't worry though, when it re-launches the feed will auto update and for those who want to read it here, it'll be cross-postsed here.

So, signing off for 2010, and making 2011 the best I can....

Amy

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

This year it was when everything in my life clicked in my head. Where the negative voices got quiet and the positive voices got louder. When things finally started to line up and come together better than they ever have. When I decided to make myself happy rather than make everyone else happy first.

Yeah, it may sound hokey, but it's true.

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

This year was travel within and around the city. Too many things happened during the summer months for me to travel, and before then, I just wasn't able to. Next year, hopefully I'll be returning to the UK to visit my friends there and/or possibly a trip to the US. Things are still being decided right now.

So, in light of all the hell that broke loose yesterday, again, here are my two reverb10 prompts:

Try:

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

This year I wanted to get my health into shape - as you've read in one of my prior prompt responses, my health, after 10 years of doing tech support, I'd burn out, and having a chronic pain issue - it was something that I needed to deal with.

Next year, I intend to relaunch myself, website and go to back to school. In short, I intend to be a better me all around.

Heal:

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

It was a drip drip that turned into a sudden. :) In other words, it was small things that finally added up to an "ah-ha!" moment that I grabbed onto and changed. I'd like to thank @geeky_lass for being there and helping me come to terms with some of the things. In short for helping me herd my drips into that "ah-ha!"

Originally published at Amy M. Young. Please leave any comments there.

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

The best thing I learned this year about myself is that I need to do what makes me happy.

That may sound deceptively simple, but it's one of the hardest lessons that I've had to internalize in my life. 

We, as humans, are by nature designed to want to please the people who matter to us in life - our parents, friends, other family, etc. We want approval from those who matter, we want them to be proud of us, to love us (and really, isn't that what approval is? A form of love?)

But - sometimes that quest for approval takes a harder toll on ourselves than we're willing to admit. We get into bad situations, we do things that we don't want to, that hurt us in many many ways, and that are, in short unhealthy.

I changed my major three times in university trying to please my parents. Really, I didn't even want to be there - my heart was in literature, music and computer programming. I'd rather have gone to college and picked up those skills, but be it real or not, the expectation of having a degree was felt keenly by me. While I love the major I chose at last, by the time I got there I was burnt out, angry and just didn't want to do it anymore. 

Also, at that point, I had bills that needed to be paid, so I had to get some education - and again, I chose something that I liked but wouldn't make me happy - I wanted to do programming and instead I went into computer networking. Yes, it gave me a "career" of sorts for almost a decade, but again, I found myself burning out and hating everything around me. 

Finally, my body and mind just couldn't take it anymore, and I had to have the dreaded talk with my loving husband.

So, I left that field, and started working on making myself better. It's not a finished journey by any means, but it is relevant to this post, so please, bear with me.

I got to a point where I wanted to go back to school. I love learning. I really do. I could spend my days learning until I die, and be happy. However, it would have to be whatever interested me, so I'd be one of those people who ends up with weird degrees and diplomas in unrelated things. 

A friend suggested doing up a list of things that I wanted to do. A kind of "bucket list" of academia. Being the person I am (hello shiny things) it took almost six months for me to decide what makes me happy and what could I do educationally to make myself happy. I found that - and I'm starting my path towards it. 

A while ago I'd have worried if everyone else liked it - is it what my parents want? Is it what my husband wants? What will my friends think of me?  But I came to the conclusion that while I love them wholeheartedly, the key to being healthier mentally (and likely physically) is to make myself happy first. 

Yes, that is selfish. But if I'm not happy with my life, how can I make the lives of those around me better? All I'm doing when I'm not happy is spreading that rather than spreading love and caring. 

Originally published at Amy M. Young. Please leave any comments there.

The prompt for today:

5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

Honestly, not a lot of 2010 I want to remember. I would chose to remember Bluesfest and @kelpierocks coming to visit us, but much of the rest of the year was filled with difficulties - moving, employment, health. Everything else I've blogged about either here or on other platforms and could review when I wanted to.

2011 is going to be better. I am going to make it better.

Originally published at Amy M. Young. Please leave any comments there.

Another day of two prompts:

 

Prompt one;

Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?  

This has an easy answer - my body and I are in binding arbitration to get along with each other. Right now we don't exactly take orders from headquarters too well.  

 

Prompt Two:

Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

For a person with ADHD, this is sometimes a very hard step. Shiny things (either really shiny or just mentally shiny) tend to get our attention and side track us from doing what we need to do to get things done. Right now, I'm working on getting my my writing in gear and back into the "write every day" thing. Somedays I pass, somedays I fail, but I"m making progress. My desk, for this, has to be clean, and that's a challenge when you live with someone whose nickname is "tornado". But I'm managing, and he's slowly learning to organize himself. Guess, for once, that I'm a good example, then! HA!

Originally published at Amy M. Young. Please leave any comments there.

Today's Prompt:

Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

What makes me different? A lot of things. Very few 6'0" curvy girls out there (try buying pants with a 34" inseam when you've got hips). Until recently, if you'd asked me what I thought about myself I was an ugly lump. But this month I've found the spark that makes me want to be a better person - physically, emotionally and mentally. I am beautiful - inside and out, and if someone can't see that, it's their loss, and not mine. 

Originally published at Amy M. Young. Please leave any comments there.

Today's prompt for #reverb10 - Make.

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

This one, I'll answer with a picture:

SkyBird by =bass-dragon on deviantART Made with ArtRage Studio Pro 3.7 and a friend's Wacom Bamboo tablet.

Originally published at Amy M. Young. Please leave any comments there.

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines wonder (noun) as "a feeling of amazement and admiration, caused by something beautiful, remarkable, or unfamiliar". I'd rather go with the definition of the verb, again via the OED - desire to know something; feel curious - as it really defines my life.

Life is an ongoing learning experience. I could happily while away my days in school until the clock tolls for me. I love learning - in all its forms. It's one of my failing as well as one of my assets - I want to know everything. I want to know how things work, and why things are the way they are. Deciding to go back to school took me three months to decide on what I wanted to go back for, and I still have a list a mile and a half long of what I'd like to learn. 

My life is a desire to know things. Curiosity is what makes me tick, and drives me from one day to the next.